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Openness To Healing Relationships

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

So many times people will find themselves in a relationship that used to be good, loving, and strong.  But somehow, somewhere, things changed.  Now they want to get that loving relationship back.  The first thing is making sure there is an openness to healing relationships.

Most relationships that have broken down have done so over a period of time and usually because of hurts, many of which have been small.  These hurts have accumulated over a period of time, though, and now they’ve taken on a life of their own. Over time we tend to shut ourselves off from our partner because we don’t want to be hurt anymore.  Once that happens you will need to make sure you can open up again and attempt to heal the relationship.   Before you decide that you are going to fix your broken relationship you have to make sure that you are willing to open yourself up to the possibility of more hurt.

And, it’s not just about you either.  Is your partner willing to open up and work on the relationship?  Many times one partner is more interested in salvaging the relationship than another.  If that’s the case and your partner has made it clear, either by what they’ve said or their overall attitude, that they have no interest in working very hard to save the relationship, you might as well call it quits. You can’t do it all yourself and you can’t force your partner to try.

If, on the other hand, you both agree that you will try to work on the relationship the first thing you’ll both need to do is look at yourselves.  You need to look at yourself and your partner needs to look at themselves. You are trying to honestly figure out what part you’ve played in the breakdown of the relationship and whether or not you will be committed to making the changes necessary to fix it.  Again, both of you have to admit their part in the break down of the relationship as well as be willing to try to change their behavior.

After all that the next thing you will both need to do is talk to each other.  This doesn’t mean yelling, intimidating, or getting mad.  It means and open, adult discussion about how you are feeling.  You each have to be able to honestly speak your mind and explain what you think has happened, how you think it can be fixed, what you are willing to do to help fix it, and how you are feeling overall.

This step is vitally important and potentially very dangerous.  This is the part where someone could get hurt feelings and that could lead to a big blowout.  In order for this to work, it’s crucial that you both give the other person time to talk, and not get mad or defensive about what they have to say.

If you are sure you and your partner really have an openness to healing relationships, and you’re wiling to work on the steps I’ve listed here than the two of you will have a real shot at getting back to a place in your relationship where you can be happy to be together, and happy to be ‘back to normal’.

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Healing Relationship Wounds

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

If you are facing the difficult task of  healing relationship wounds you will need to be wiling to really invest some time and effort.  You can fix your relationship but it won’t necessarily be quick and easy, and you won’t be able to do it all on your own.

There are many steps you will need to take to repair your broken relationship.  A lot of what you will have to do will depend on what broke the relationship in the first place.  It’s usually not just one or two things and it usually takes a long time and a buildup of many smaller issues that eventually tear down your relationship.

Finding the cause of the break down is the first thing you will need to do in order to come up with a ‘game plan’ to fix it.  You wouldn’t expect your mechanic to fix your car without first knowing what was wrong with it, would you? The same principle applies to your relationship.

Not only will you need to figure out what went wrong you will need to honestly figure out what part you played in it.  That can be very hard for most people.  No one wants to admit they’ve been wrong or made mistakes.  But you can’t fix it until you know what is broken, so you will have to honestly, maybe brutally honestly, evaluate the way you’ve behaved in the relationship and what things you’ve done, or said, that might have contributed to the break down.

And yes, what you have said can play just a big a role in a broken relationship as what you’ve done.  Never forget that words can wound and those wounds are often the hardest ones to heal.

Once you’ve figured out the mistakes you’ve made you will need to determine if you’re wiling to invest the time needed to fix them.  If you can’t make a 100% commitment to changing your behavior than you might as well end the relationship right now.  There’s no point in dragging you and your partner through further pain.

Another thing you will need to honestly consider is whether or not your partner will be willing to work on the relationship too.  No matter how sincere you are and motivated to make changes, it will take both of you working together to get things back to a good place.  You can’t do it all alone, and neither can your partner.  If you aren’t both committed to making it work, it’s also time to move on.

Something else you will need to consider is that if you save your relationship it will never totally be ‘back the way it used to be’.  That doesn’t mean it can’t still be good, it can.  It just means that whatever the two of you have gone through has left some scars, those will always be there.

Keep these things in mind when you are  healing relationship wounds.  If your relationship is truly worth saving, and your partner is willing to meet you half way and work on it, you can fix the relationship and even make it better than it was before, it’ll just take some time…and lot’s of love.



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Advice On Sex To Repair Your Relationship

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Being in a bad relationship is a tough thing to do.  Nothing is worse than being married and lonely at the same time.  If you think the best way to save your relationship is to ‘spice up your sex life’ you may want to think again.  Here is some advice on sex to repair your relationship.

First of all don’t buy into the old cliche that if you have great sex your partner will be satisfied and not leave.  Unless your partner is an adolescent, or just acts like one, sex alone won’t be enough to keep your relationship strong.  A good adult relationship is made up of many components and until you can get it clicking on at least several levels, not just sexual, you will struggle and most likely won’t be happy in the relationship.

A word of caution though, no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect.  You will have times when you and your partner are not on the same page, and that’s ok.  It’s more about balance, in your relationship as a whole you should be on the same page more often than not. If it’s balanced the other way, where you are at odds more often than you are in sync you should seriously consider ending the relationship because the two of you just aren’t a good fit, and that’s unlikely to change.

So before you decide that hotter sex is the key to making your relationship what you really want it to be, consider some of these points:

1. How was your relationship in the beginning?  Did you have a lot of hobbies that you shared together?  What did you do, besides sex, when you spent time together?  If you don’t do those things together anymore, why not?   If you analyze these changes in your relationship you will be a lot closer to figuring out what you need to work on to make your relationship strong again.

2. Have you asked your partner what they think is going on with your relationship?  After all you’re both part of the situation, and the problem.  Why not share with each other what you are feeling, instead of complaining to your girlfriends, or buddies, why not ask your partner?  No one will know what they are thinking better than they do.

Make sure that when you ask your partner what they’re thinking you give them the opportunity to tell you how they feel in a ‘safe’ environment.  What I mean by that is don’t get mad and  yell at them if they say something you don’t want to hear.  If you do then you are sending them a signal that they can’t open up to you or it will get ugly, so they won’t turn to you. That is the beginning of the end for many relationships.

Once they’ve told you how they feel, it’s your turn.  And the same rules apply. You have the right to express your feelings without being persecuted by your partner.

If you and your partner have reached a rough patch in your relationship it can be tempting to think that if you can reignite a fire in bed you’ll be able to save your relationship, unfortunately that’s simply not the case.  Use the advice on sex to repair your relationship tips I’ve given you above to start to rebuild your relationship in a healthy way.



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The Smart Way To Ending A Relationship

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

8:00 AM – Go To Work
9:15 AM – Office meeting
1:30 PM  – Sales presentation
6:00 PM – Break up with my significant other

Let’s face it, for most of us, that kind of schedule looks pretty funny. While we may not schedule a break up that way, there are times when something needs to be done, and somebody needs to make the first move. A lot of relationships last much longer than they probably should for no other reason than breaking up isn’t an easy thing to do.

Relationships typically end in a few basic ways. There is the dramatic break up. This type can be very sudden and usually involves strong words or actions. There is the mutual break up where both parties come to the realization that it’s over, and do so at the same time. It’s almost as if it happens by magic. It’s also the most rare. Finally, there is the slow break up. This is characterized by things degrading over time. The sad thing is that neither party may even know they are headed for a break up until it’s far too late.

So, how can you end a bad relationship without either party getting hurt?

The first step is to know why you want to break up. But don’t assume that the first reason you come up with is the real reason. You need to find the underlying cause of wanting to break up. Having a clear and accurate idea of why you’re breaking up will make the process go smoother for both parties. That’s because you will be operating from a position of honesty, and that’s key.

Set a time to discuss things that is convenient for both of you. If at all possible do this face-to-face. It’s really not the kind of thing that should be handled via e-mail or over the phone. The only exception s for long-distance relationships where you won’t be able to get together for a while. It’s better to end things quickly, than it is to delay the inevitable.

Keeping things positive when ending a relationship is a smart move. Just because you are ending a romance doesn’t mean you have to make an enemy. Be nice to each other and treat each other with respect. Don’t get defensive, and don’t make the other person defensive, either. If they start crying, be compassionate. At the same time, be aware that it may be an attempt to manipulate you. You can still be nice, but don’t let them make you do something you don’t really want to do.

Finally, at this stage, getting back together in the future is probably the last thing on your mind. However, it is always a possibility. By ending a relationship the right way, you will have a better chance of being together at a later time, should that be something you would like to do. Either way, breaking doesn’t have to be hard to do. Follow the tips above and you can both move on and be happy that you did.



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Saving A Relationship – 3 Tips For Doing So

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Whether you’ve recently broken up, or you’re afraid you’re on the brink of a breakup  you can take heart,  saving a relationship is possible.  You can reignite the flame that the two of you once shared.  It won’t necessarily be easy or fast, but if you’re committed to making it work there is hope.

I’ve compiled a list of some of the things you need to do to salvage and repair your relationship.  Keep these tips in mind when you are analyzing your relationship:

1.  Do you really want to stay in the relationship?  I know this may sound like a dumb question but sometimes when we think we want to keep our relationship what we really mean is that we’re afraid of having to find someone new, or starting over.  If you’re brutally honest with yourself you can determine if you really want to continue the relationship or if you’re just scared of being on your own.

Another part of this question is to determine if your partner really wants to work on the relationship too.  Even if you decide that your relationship is worth saving, that doesn’t mean your partner shares your conviction or will be willing to invest the time and effort to work on your problems.

2.  Honestly evaluate what went wrong in your relationship. Again, this will need to be done by both of you.  This can be the hardest part, it’s always easier to blame someone else for the problems but it’s tougher to own up to your part in the break down of your relationship.

Before you can repair it you need to know not only what is broken but why it broke.  The two of you may even want to visit a couples counselor to help you objectively work through this phase.  Sometimes having an objective third party in the room can help you both stay calm and face things you may not have been willing or able to face on  your own.

3. Try to remember what drew you to each other in the first place.  If you’ve been in a relationship for a while you obviously loved and enjoyed each other.  So often in a relationship what happens is that the ‘stronger’ one (or the most selfish one) controls the relationship. They become the one who tends to take more than they give.  The other partner will take on the role of the giver.  Over time the ‘taker’ will get bored because the fun loving person they fell in love with has become a doormat and the ‘giver’ will get sick of not getting their needs met often enough.

If your relationship has fallen into this trap you both need to take a step back and remember what attracted you to each other.  This might be a good time to not only remember but to tell the other person.  Remind them why you fell in love with them, and vice a versa.

Saving a relationship will take time, work, and commitment by both parties, but it can be done.  If you think your relationship is worth saving and your partner thinks so too, than by all means, follow the tips above and you can salvage your relationship.

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How Get Your Ex Back – What To Do When You’ve Been Dumped

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

In most but not all breakups, it is the girl who calls for the split. Most boys do not like to end a relationship when they have a good thing going for them. If you have been broken up with but you want to know how get your ex back, the tips below might benefit you significantly.

- * First and foremost, make sure that you really want to know how get your ex back. Was she doing you a favor by breaking up with you? Are you trying to keep things working just because you do not want to be alone, or do you really and truly feel as if you love her?

Is she just ok, or are you really serious about her? You need to come to a conclusion here first and foremost before you can truly learn how get your ex back.

- * Now that you know how you feel, confirm how she feels in order to determine whether or not you stand a chance when it comes to learning how get your ex back. Girls can be fickle when it comes to relationships, so she may still be completely and totally in love with you despite breaking up with you.

Let her come to you. Let her make the first move. Let her guide the rekindling of the relationship. If she really does love you and care about you, she will eventually realize that the ball is in her court and it is her decision whether or not to rekindle things.

- * If you are serious about learning how get your ex back, consider moving on and behaving as if you have completely and fully accepted the break up and the future of the relationship. This will not actually chase her away, but rather will let her know that she is capable of making the first move when she is ready to.

- * Try to limit contact when you want to know how get your ex back, not completely but enough that you are not cramming yourself down her throat or forcing her to think about the break up all the time. Let her think that you are giving her space, and she will come to you when she is absolutely ready to do so. This may seem difficult at times, but the payoff in the end is enormous.

These tips are simple and straight forward, and they can really go a long way when it comes to helping you know how get your ex back. If you are serious about rekindling love with your ex significant other, then you absolutely have to heed the information in these tips, because they will drive the right results. Most relationships can be rekindled if the people in them are willing to go to great lengths to make it happen, so don’t be discouraged.

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Win Love Back – Allow Your Ex Time & Space

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Do you want to win love back?  The key is allowing your ex to have a little bit of time to figure out what they want from the relationship.  Tim and Rhonda learned this from Tim’s friend Joe.

Rhonda stormed out of Tim’s apartment one day saying she never wanted to see him again.  Tim was stunned.  All he could think about was how to win love back.

He called his buddy Joe and asked whether he should send flowers or candy.

“Neither,” Joe said.  “And don’t call, email, or text her either.”

Tim was stunned by this advice.  He wanted to win love back right away before Rhonda had a chance to “look around” and find someone better.

But Joe told Tim that giving Rhonda the space to “look around” was just what she needed.  There was a small chance that she would go forever, but the probability was that she would settle down and come back to him.  She must come to the conclusion that their relationship was special on her own terms.

Further, Joe advised, it would be bad if Tim looked too desperate.  This gave Rhonda the upper hand in many ways.  It would lead to further grand gestures in the future.  If he wanted to get the relationship back on track, Tim needed to give Rhonda space.

Tim and Rhonda both had a lot invested in the relationship.  They had been together 18 months and had even talked about marriage.  This was why it was such a blow to Tim when Rhonda walked out.

But Tim took Joe’s advice, as painful as it was, and waited for Rhonda to call.  It took her four days, but she finally contacted him.

The first thing she wanted to know was “why didn’t you call me?”  He told her “I was waiting for you to call.  I knew you needed space.”

He was right, and she knew it.  She actually appreciated the fact that he hadn’t called.  She knew that he had found a way to win love back.

As they talked about hwere their relationship had been and how to get it back on track, they discovered that one of the problems was that they had been crowding one another.  The thought of getting married had been suffocating.

So, they decided to back off.  They would still see each other exclusively, but they would make more time for friends and solo activities.  They wouldn’t talk about marriage again for six months.

Tim restrained himself from pursuing Rhonda when she needed space.  This allowed her to reevaluate her relationship with him on her own terms.

She initially thought that he would call her all the time.  She was actually surprised that he didn’t.  But, because he refrained from contacting her, she was able to see what her life was like without him in it.  And, it wasn’t as pleasant as she had imagined it would be.

So, if you’re determined to win love back, keep in mind that sometime what is needed is a little space.

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Does Conflict Affect Men More – Relationship Psychology

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

In trying to overcome conflicts in a relationship, psychology may help us understand why men and women react differently. If you are dating or in a marriage, there are going to be arguments from time to time. What can make things worse is if the two people’s ways of dealing with conflict cause them to make things worse. Many marriages have turned to marriage counselors and those who aren’t married will still seek out relationship advice. Most counseling will help you realize some things that may help each understand how the other party thinks.

There was a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health which showed that most couples who had been together for only a couple of months between the ages of 18 and 21 avoidedintimacy and being dependent on their other half. They also showed levels of anxiety concerning being rejected or abandoned. Those tested all exhibited different degrees of the anxiety over being abandoned. Of course those who were more secure in themselves had lower levels and others, depending on how they dealt with anxiety and thought about abandonment, reacted differently as well.

What was interesting in the testing was how differently the results were in both men and women. The ones researching relationship psychology using these subjects found that in their physiological reaction to relationship conflict, the reaction in men was more easily noticeable. Most of the reaction was increased anxiety for the majority of men while only those women who are the more avoidant types showed any real changes.

Women are more likely to want to guide a conversation in trying to resolve conflict in a relationship. Psychology shows them to be, in this situation, the ones actively working to get the situation resolved. While they were showing increased levels of cortisol before and during the confrontation, the levels dropped significantly. They showed that getting the conflict over quickly was more physiologically satisfying.

Men, however, showed to be more passive in conflict resolution. While there was evidence that they, too, wanted the conflict to be resolved they weren’t anxious to confront the conflict head on. Those men who had female partners who were more secure showed lower levels of anxiety. Women showed no change in their levels of anxiety whether their male counterpart was secure or not.

When you seek out relationship advice, whether you go to family therapy or psychologists, they are going to try to help you understand how men and women react differently. The above research on studying the effects of conflict in men and women will help you know why the react the way that they do in the relationship. Psychology and physiological research will help you deal with conflict better.

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Broken Trust – How To Stop A Divorce

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

There are many who want to know how to stop a divorce and there are many answers. Not all of them may apply. People get divorced for many reasons. One of the most common has to do with broken trust.

If the reason that you are in the situation where your spouse is because you have been unfaithful there are things that you should and shouldn’t do to help. If there is something that you did that isthe problem, don’t tell them that you can change or try to talk them into believing it, make the change. If you seriously want to know how to stop a divorce start with accepting responsibility.

Actions speak louder than words. If it is something that is a matter of trust that you have hurt, don’tdo it again. In fact don’t do anything that will give your spouse any reason to question your faithfulness. If you want the to love you and trust you, you have to prove that you are worthy of trust again. It will take time and hopefully you have not burned them so much that they will never trust you. If you have broken trust, the truth is you don’t deserve to be trusted.

It is the efforts to be faithful that will assure them that you are changing. Don’t deny that you have betrayed their trust and don’t try to justify it. Don’t get mad because they don’t trust you and don’t argue about it. If you messed up, own up and take responsibility.

There may be situations where the one you love has been guilty of breaking trust and has been guilty of infidelity. Think of how you would want them to give you another chance. If you feel that you would be it very well may be that they deserve one as well. Put yourself in their shoes and treat them the way you would want to be treated. Try to understand why this happened. It very well may be that it can be resolved. Many times, however, it can not be.

Ask how to stop a divorce by going to friends who have been in your shoes and been through a divorce or from other sources where they have been trained in how to deal with these situations. If your relationship is important at all, it is well worth trying to find help before breaking up is the only option. Try to find the best relationship advice you can.

Be ready for depression to come because of what the two of you are going through. It isn’t easy to deal with this and you may need some kind of therapy to help you cope and understand what is happening. Love relationships can be great but they can also bring a great deal of stress when there is broken trust involved. If you want to know how to stop a divorce, seek as much help as possible. You don’t have to do it alone.

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How to Win Love Back and Have Your Ex Fall in Love with You All Over Again

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

What can you do to win love back?  Getting your ex to fall in love with you all over again can be a challenge.  The truth is that there are reasons that he or she called it off.  If you can figure out what the reasons are, you have a good chance to win love back.

If you need to win love back because the other person couldn’t trust you anymore, you will have to proceed slowly.  If you messed up and fooled around with someone else, you have to prove that you can be loyal again.

First, you must be certain that you want your ex back.  What is going to keep you from straying again?  Could it be that the reason you fooled around is because you weren’t 100 percent sure you wanted your ex?  If this is the case, are you now sure that you want the relationship to go forward?

If you are sure, then you need to apologize.  Don’t think that this will get you very far when it comes to win love back, but it is a necessary first step.

Then, you must give your ex time to heal.  Don’t push him or her to resolve the situation.  During this time, you don’t want to play any head games that might give your ex the feeling that you can’t be trusted.  You probably shouldn’t date other people during this time.  You should be humble.

Be a great friend to her.  Do the things that made her fall in love with you in the first place.  If she still has feelings for you, being a good friend can help her pave over the infidelity.

But there are reasons besides cheating that a person dumps their lover.  For instance, they may be bored with the relationship.  In this case, if you want to win love back, you have to spice things up.

When your ex was first attracted to you, you were probably not complacent in the dating game.  You planned each date carefully, dressed up for the events, and brought little gifts to him or her from time to time.  As the relationship developed, you may have gotten sloppy about it.

If you think the reason you are now in the position where you need to win love back is that you let the relationship get boring, try spicing things up.   If you meet up again “just as friends” do something different and exciting.  Meet at a wine bar instead of a pool hall.  Go out for fondue or other “interesting” food.  Go to a concert with music that she likes.  Don’t just sit around the house watching football or American Idol all of the time.

If your ex is bored with you, win love back by becoming more interesting in your personal life as well.  Take a course or join up with an interesting group.  Start skydiving.  Show your ex that you can be a lot of fun.

The final reason that I’m going to discuss here about why a break up happens is that you were just “too into” your ex.  He or she didn’t have any room to breathe.  They may still like you.  Heck, they may still love you, but they didn’t find any room for themselves in the relationship.

If this is the case, you have to give your ex some space.  The worst thing you can do is send them 100 text messages a day or call crying at 3:00 a.m. asking why the break up happened.  You win love back by backing off.  When you see your ex, be casual.  Don’t be needy.

There are, of course, many other reasons why your ex could have broken up with you.  When you analyze why the break up happened, you can use the space thereafter to win love back by making the necessary changes.

You won’t win love back by continuing in your old habits.  But you should know that getting back together is possible.  You can win love back.



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